Dear E!

Dear E! Entertainment Television,

Pop of a culture that is great to hate.

Pop of a culture that is great to hate.

I am writing to propose a new show for your cable channel called “Haters” (or “H8ers” if you really want to assist in the destruction of the English language.

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Dear Nancy Makin

Dear Nancy Makin,

Earlier this week I saw your story on “Good Morning America”, a show I mistakenly thought was about actual news. There you were, shamelessly self-promoting your new book, “703: How I Lost Over a Quarter Ton,” which chronicles your weight loss.

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Dear Taco Bell

Dear Taco Bell,

You have provided the most ridiculous concept I’ve ever heard: the Drive-Thru Diet.

Yummy!

I know that Taco Bell gives people diarrhea, you don’t call it the volcano taco for nothing, but your spokeswoman for this ad campaign must’ve spent those two years on the toilet!

Now there is a diet out there that I don’t qualify for because I don’t have a car. I love that it’s a drive-thru specific diet. You don’t even have to get off your ass to lose weight? Amazing!

Your company may think you have plugged the holes in this ad campaign with your advisory: “DriveThruDiet® is not a weight-loss program. For a healthier lifestyle, pay attention to total calorie and fat intake and regular exercise.”

But that only makes the entire concept even more humorous. Of course, in the eyes of the head that thinks outside the bun, a “diet” is simply habitual nourishment even when it’s married to a spokeswoman bragging about weight loss from making healthier food choices. Thanks for clarifying that no matter how obvious the implications, a diet is merely a concept, just like a crunchy taco is merely a deep-fried tortilla.

Plans for famous infomercial salesman Billy Mays (no relation to Willie Mays Hayes) to shoot infomercial-style commercials for your fast-food chain obviously fell through. His death from a heart attack this summer caused your company to scramble for new plans. I guess chalupa plus copious amounts of drugs diet didn’t work for him. I suggest you consider issuing an additional warning against such

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit