Dear Netflix PR

Dear Netflix PR,Netflix Logo

I was very pleased to read your new family/parental leave benefits, but would like you to clarify who this policy applies to.

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Dear Tabloid-Reading World

Dear Tabloid-Reading World,

Please read this:

Rumors and their subsequent denials have been circulating that B-level star Jada Pinkett-Smith had (or is having) an affair with creepy-looking wannabe singer and actor Mark Anthony. While no one attracted to men can possibly understand why someone with access to Will Smith (a small step below Reggie Bush) would hook up with Mark Anthony (a small step above Lyle Lovett), a theory has arised that the story is nothing more than an attempt to draw attention to the accused cheater’s failing TV show, HawthoRNe.

Hot or Not, That's Jada's Choice from Left to Right

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Dear Christina Aguilera’s Public Relations Firm

Dear Christina Aguilera’s PR Firm,

Insightful Words from Christina Aguilera

I’m onto you with this divorce thing…

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Dear Beloved NFL

Dear Beloved NFL:

I am writing to express my interest in working as a Motivational Speaker to Encourage Law Abiding Habits for NFL Players.

This position is not listed on your website as a current opening. However, I truly believe such position would be of great assistance in a league struggling with off-the-field role model behavioral issues which extend from minor offenses to felony charges.

Topics I would like to speak about include, but are not limited to: Legal Gun Ownership, Designated Drivers: All Advantage – No Disadvantage, Where to Take out Anger Mid-week, Putting Drug Debauchery in the Past, You Can Afford  a Bodyguard If You’re Really That Worried, and The Ease of PR When You’re Not in Trouble.

As a bonus, I will also be ready, willing and able to teach both players and coaches the mathematics of percentages. They should be able to understand how much effort is actually possible.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in a timely fashion, due to the urgency of this subject.

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit