Dear NFL

Dear NFL,

Like many other NFL fans, I was surprised to find out that running back Darren Sproles found out about the Saints plan to release him via Twitter (and he seems like such a nice guy, too). It’s disappointing that a professional league doesn’t require its teams to have more personal and respectful ways of communicating with their players.

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Dear Job Placement Services

Dear Job Placement Services,

I don’t know what’s worse: that I tried to go through you or that New York City firms use your services.

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Dear Help Wanted Ads

Dear Help Wanted Ads,

Please post a salary range on job postings! It is imperative to know this information when deciding on employment. I am simply requesting this on behalf of the job seeking community.You know, the more than 10% of people who are going absolutely crazy because of ads that are filled with general terms, non-specific requirements and simply state “DOE” (depends on experience.) I am confident this term really means, “we will accept the lowest bidder.”

I do not want to go to waste time applying for positions that pay minimum wage to poverty levels. Employers do not want to waste time reading applications from candidates who are not interested in internships anymore. Let’s help each other, help ourselves! Or something motivational Jerry Maguiresque.

There are too many people applying to all available jobs right now. Let’s make it a little easier on everyone involved and narrow it down by including pay ranges.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit


Job Appication Follow-Up

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to follow-up on the status of my application. Actually, that’s not true. I know you are not interested in hiring me since you have not gotten back to me in three weeks. This is a letter to complain about your company’s rude behavior.

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Job Application – Planned Parenthood

To Whom It May Concern:

I found your job posting on your website and am writing to express my very serious interest in your position at the Planned Parenthood headquarters in New York.

I truly believe in Planned Parenthood’s mission to plan parenthood. We need to control birth as much as possible. With all the knowledge we have about the human body and reproductive systems, we should never have to see an unwanted accidental pregnancy again.

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Dear Beloved NFL

Dear Beloved NFL:

I am writing to express my interest in working as a Motivational Speaker to Encourage Law Abiding Habits for NFL Players.

This position is not listed on your website as a current opening. However, I truly believe such position would be of great assistance in a league struggling with off-the-field role model behavioral issues which extend from minor offenses to felony charges.

Topics I would like to speak about include, but are not limited to: Legal Gun Ownership, Designated Drivers: All Advantage – No Disadvantage, Where to Take out Anger Mid-week, Putting Drug Debauchery in the Past, You Can Afford  a Bodyguard If You’re Really That Worried, and The Ease of PR When You’re Not in Trouble.

As a bonus, I will also be ready, willing and able to teach both players and coaches the mathematics of percentages. They should be able to understand how much effort is actually possible.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in a timely fashion, due to the urgency of this subject.

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit