Dear Tabloid-Reading World

Dear Tabloid-Reading World,

Please read this:

Rumors and their subsequent denials have been circulating that B-level star Jada Pinkett-Smith had (or is having) an affair with creepy-looking wannabe singer and actor Mark Anthony. While no one attracted to men can possibly understand why someone with access to Will Smith (a small step below Reggie Bush) would hook up with Mark Anthony (a small step above Lyle Lovett), a theory has arised that the story is nothing more than an attempt to draw attention to the accused cheater’s failing TV show, HawthoRNe.

Hot or Not, That's Jada's Choice from Left to Right

TNT’s HawthoRNe (no Caps Lock wasn’t stuck, the RN is cause the main character’s a nurse – clever, right!?) is a crappy show, panned by critics… who are likely the only people that watch it. The show has been on the air for three seasons, with a pitiful 10 episodes per season… making it, essentially, a dragged-out mini-series.

Even though many think that TNT should stick with Law & Order and NBA games, they’ve committed themselves to this series, and, perhaps, have finally generated enough buzz about it to get people watching.

The scandalous story of an affair between HawthoRNe’s star lead actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and co-star fellow actor Mark Anthony, on the heels of his divorce from J.Lo will sell a ton of tabloids… bringing people’s attention to the drama-comedy TV series (that seems to be neither). It’s like how no one wanted to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith until the story broke that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s love affair started on set.

This Embrace May Not Be the Only Thing Will Smith & Mark Anthony Have Shared

That’s right, the entire Jada Pinkett-Smith/Mark Anthony drama could be the work of a creative PR firm. It’s in the tagline: TNT… they know drama.

But there’s another theory…

When news first broke that J. Lo and Mark Anthony were ending their romantic relationship (a story of a ticking biological clock leading J. Lo to procreate with a Latino friend of hers that she rejected years ago when she was hotter and more famous), many assumed that Mark Anthony left J. Lo because she’s probably a huge pain in the ass (it’s always about huge ass with her, too!).

However, J. Lo can win public sympathy (or at least the sympathies of her naive American Idol fans and the divorce court judge) if Mark Anthony cheated on her, which means she could be behind (see, always about ass!) these rumors. Poor girl!

Women everywhere are overwhelmingly open to either conspiracy theory, since it makes absolutely no sense to go for Mark Anthony over Will Smith. At least Puffy vs. Ben Affleck was a tough choice… although, not really a choice for J. Lo who was scared off by one bad night at a club with a gun (so much for being Jenny from the Block), then dumped by the Boston boy (so much for not being a huge pain in the ass).

Meanwhile, men everywhere overwhelmingly don’t give a crap about this.

Thank you for reading.


Rachel L. Arbeit


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