Dear U.S. re: Iowa Straw Poll

Dear U.S. re: Iowa Straw Poll,

Even though Huntsman draws the shortest straw, it’s Pawlenty who pulls out.

The Biggest Thing to Happen in Ames Since the 2007 Straw Poll

At the Iowa straw poll, which sounds like a way for the Amish to pick who’s going to drive the lead buggy, The Minnesotan Mother of Mayhem Michele Bachmann narrowly beat out the Texas Toker Ron Paul.

A man who likes China so much that he took home a child as a souvenir from one of his trips there, Jon Huntsman, was at the bottom of the barrel… drawing the shortest straw of all the candidates that the press is willing to acknowledge. However, it was not he who withdrew from the crowded 2012 Republican Presidential Hopeful So-You-Think-You-Can-Command-n-Chief, but The Minnesotan Menace of Misfortune, Tim Pawlenty.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Michele Bachmann!

Michele Bachmann was the victor. Her successful purchase of support in Iowa is not surprising, as it’s her homeland (and it’s South Minnesota), but is a little interesting since Iowa is one of the few states that allows for gay marriage and Bachmann considers homosexuality an “issue of sexual dysfunction.” In fact, Bachmann is so homophobic that she’s trying to save the whales from themselves… because it’s obviously gay to be a humpback.

Sarah Palin showed up, but she’s not “officially running,” which is like Lindsay Lohan showing up at a liquor store, but “just to do some window shopping.” And, hey, Palin may not actually run… just like Lohan may stick to a cocaine-only diet (which is, actually, the most effective diet*).

The straw vote doesn’t really mean anything, but considering the people who vote in it have decided that deep fried butter on a stick is something that should be offered at their state fair, this should count for nothing.

I went to the Iowa State Fair two years ago, and came back with the following observation: there’s so much deep-fried food on a stick, I almost got second-hand type 2 diabetes! But fried butter… that’s not food… that’s an argument against universal health care.

So let’s ignore this bizarre ritual and stick to debates where these representatives of Real America** argue over who loves Jesus more.


Rachel L. Arbeit

*According to a recent study of models, sorority girls and residents of Miami.

**A term that’s short for Real American Rich People


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