Dear Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Thank you for being too crazy not to watch. See my thought about you from when you went on 20/20 to recruit a blond chick to join you pussy posse. For marketing reasons, it was billed as an interview.America's Sweetheart

My thoughts…

From the beginning of the ABC interview, it is striking to see how terrible he looks. Charlie Sheen was a good-looking guy in movies like Major League… but that was twenty years and fifty pounds of coke ago. Did his ears get bigger?

Like the train-wreck that he is, the actor and self-proclaimed “rock star” rambled and acted like a crazy drugged out creepy old dude. This sparked the interviewer to inquire when the last time Charlie did drugs was. Like anyone ripped outta their mind, Charlie answered honestly, “I don’t remember.”

Throughout the entire sit down, Charlie is smoking and drinking something that is either jungle juice or the formula to clear your piss from evidence of drug use. Of course, ABC asks him to take a urine test to prove he’s clean, which he does and passes because for $2 million an episode, he can afford a whole laboratory of scientists working around the clock to keep him a step ahead of pesky drug tests.

During most of the interview, he brags about his partying ways and shows off the two twenty-something blondes (a porn star and a marijuana magazine cover girl) he’s living with/banging/doing drugs with/babysitting/more. It’s all a round-about way of showing off how he has more money than he knows what to do with, so the only thing he can think to do is snort it all.

Some people like charities for “causes” (ya know, like cancer, hunger, Africa), but Charlie prefers hookers and drugs since he’s so cool!

Strangely, Charlie Sheen calls the move to cancel the hit show “Two and a Half Men” a “defeatist move.” But since Sheen complains like a normal person who hasn’t made many millions of dollars about losing his job, and even says “I’ll have to work this summer,” it sure seems like he was defeated by the cancellation.

Right when it didn’t seem like Charlie Sheen couldn’t be crazier, he drops a bomb by saying, “I would do Major League 3, yeah!”

The public prosecution rests.

Remember kids: It’s about winning. Everyday.

And that’s special.

Thanks, Charlie.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

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