Dear LIRR

Dear LIRR,

On Saturday, January 30, 2010 service on the Long Beach line was disrupted due to track work. Although this disturbance was planned, the shuttle bus service to Valley Stream was not scheduled correctly.

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Dear Taco Bell

Dear Taco Bell,

You have provided the most ridiculous concept I’ve ever heard: the Drive-Thru Diet.

Yummy!

I know that Taco Bell gives people diarrhea, you don’t call it the volcano taco for nothing, but your spokeswoman for this ad campaign must’ve spent those two years on the toilet!

Now there is a diet out there that I don’t qualify for because I don’t have a car. I love that it’s a drive-thru specific diet. You don’t even have to get off your ass to lose weight? Amazing!

Your company may think you have plugged the holes in this ad campaign with your advisory: “DriveThruDiet® is not a weight-loss program. For a healthier lifestyle, pay attention to total calorie and fat intake and regular exercise.”

But that only makes the entire concept even more humorous. Of course, in the eyes of the head that thinks outside the bun, a “diet” is simply habitual nourishment even when it’s married to a spokeswoman bragging about weight loss from making healthier food choices. Thanks for clarifying that no matter how obvious the implications, a diet is merely a concept, just like a crunchy taco is merely a deep-fried tortilla.

Plans for famous infomercial salesman Billy Mays (no relation to Willie Mays Hayes) to shoot infomercial-style commercials for your fast-food chain obviously fell through. His death from a heart attack this summer caused your company to scramble for new plans. I guess chalupa plus copious amounts of drugs diet didn’t work for him. I suggest you consider issuing an additional warning against such

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

Dear Leno

Dear Leno,

I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

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Dear Diesel

Dear Diesel,

I'll Critique the Crap that Diesel Creates

I am writing to complain about your stupid new ad campaign that is all over the New York City subway system like mono on a college campus. The advertisements remind consumers that smart people plan their budget, while stupid people overpay for Italian jeans.

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Dear Natural Family Planning Users

Dear Natural Family Planning Users,

All five people who use Natural Family Planning have read and drawn attention to my “Dear Planned Parenthood” application. Your Church group seems to be unsatisfied with my description of your beloved guess and check system. Please allow me to elaborate.

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Dear Pitkin County Courthouse

Dear Pitkin County Courthouse,

Please fine Brooke Mueller for violating Colorado’s imposed restraining order which prohibits communication. Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s third wife, has been using the media to send messages to her husband.

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