Job Application – Planned Parenthood

To Whom It May Concern:

I found your job posting on your website and am writing to express my very serious interest in your position at the Planned Parenthood headquarters in New York.

I truly believe in Planned Parenthood’s mission to plan parenthood. We need to control birth as much as possible. With all the knowledge we have about the human body and reproductive systems, we should never have to see an unwanted accidental pregnancy again.

Plus, Planned Parenthood is great for teenagers who don’t want to talk to their parents in general, let alone to discuss southern hemisphere concerns and issues.

Allow me to further explain how passionate I am about safe sex.

We need to keep people away from Pull-Out-and-Pray! When the name of your birth control is also the explicit instructions, it’s not proven by science. It’s too simple to be safe, more cute than capable. Don’t want it to be like shake and bake, or thrust and bust. You see, names have meanings. Would you trust a car called “Turn-On-and-Drive”, constipation medicine called “Drink for Doodie” or cocaine referred to as “Scratch & Sniff”? No, you wouldn’t, because as I mentioned before, names matter. That’s why condoms aren’t called Sex Socks, Cream Containers or Sperm Stoppers. Some people don’t even know what the most important part of Pull-Out-and-Pray is… which is pull out, just in case you’re from the south or have a head injury.

Please know that this rant also applies to Natural Family Planning aka The New Conservative Christian Method (a relative of the Rhythm Nation), which are simply more sophisticated versions of guess and check.

Those who can’t understand and/or afford birth control are more likely to resort to methods from before the advances of science and medicine. Although some who have no cash for condoms end up switching to anal sex, not all of them do and we need to cover those who don’t. Cover their dicks, that is.

I hope that my outburst of enthusiastic rage will work on you the way it worked on every guy who has been lucky enough to date me at one point or another.

If this didn’t make any decisions for you, perhaps my second impression will.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Rachel L. Arbeit


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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I just wanted to say that Natural Family Planning (or NFP) is completely different from the rhythm method and backed by science. For comparison, the pill (often viewed as the gold standard) has a perfect use rate of 99% but a typical use rate of 92%. Condoms have a perfect use of 98% and a typical use rate of 85%. Various NFP methods (Billings, Creighton, Sympto-thermo) have perfect use rates of 99% and variable typical use rates. It’s more difficult to guage the typical use rates for NFP because it can be used to prevent pregnancy OR increase your chances of pregnancy. The woman learns how to monitor her fertility every cycle and then plans when she has sex accordingly. If she doesn’t want to get pregnant, she simply doesn’t have sex during the fertile periods. If she wants to get pregnant, she knows exactly when to get busy. The feminist in me loves this method because
    1) I’m learning more about my body. I know when I’m near ovulation and when I’ve already ovulated. I can use it to predict if I’ll have an issue with early miscarriages and work to correct that when I want to get pregnant. If I’m taking my temperatures (which some methods use), I can also use that to learn if I have thyroid issues or not. And, it helps me to predict my periods. This works whether my cycle is 21 days, 56 days or whether it just can make up its mind what it wants to be.
    2) I don’t have to deal with side-effects. The pill can lower libido in some women and, even worse, increase the risk for dangerous blood clots. Condoms decrease the feeling. And so forth. This method is organic.
    3) The biologist in me likes nature. If I’m on the pill, I”m urinating difficult-to-degrade artificial hormones that harm fish and probably frogs too. Condoms create a latex waste. Spermacides are harsh chemicals. Again, this method is organic.
    4) I have the ultimate freedom because I can change my mind any time I want to. If I’m avoiding pregnancy but decide that I want to have a baby, I don’t have to wait to remove that IUD or stop taking the pill and wait for my body to recover. I just have to wait until I’m near ovulation again. Similarly, if I’m trying to conceive but suddenly lose my job and change my mind, I don’t have to go to the store and buy supplies or schedule a doctor’s appointment…..I just have to know when I’m near ovulation or not and act accordingly.

    Finally, I wrote this more from a woman’s perspective and hers alone. In reality, men can be involved too and the discussion of whether or not we want to conceive this month–and how that will affect our timings–has just brought us closer together.

    Here’s a review in a peer-reviewed journal of the different methods, history, etc:

  2. Here, here! Oh, and lay off my ‘sex socks’, ok???

  3. Natural Family Planning? Hey, I wouldn’t be here without it!

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