Dear PETA,

I am writing to formally complain about your invention of Swine Flu. Just like the bogus naming of such over-exaggerated diseases as Mad Cow and Chicken Pox, you and your other psycho, can’tivores need to stop trying to scare people away from meat by associating it with inconvenient ailments.

The real illness is how you and all your other vegetarian alliances need to use such intense tactics to build your population of joyless eaters, new-age Hollywood not-quite anorexics, and irrational health-nuts.

Why don’t you try something more fun? Like how gay men get recruited. They have cool slogans, like “Love blow jobs and anal sex? Hate foreplay? You may be fabulous for homosexuality!”

Rachel L. Arbeit


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