Dear Degree

Dear Degree,

For years I’ve been an advocate of spray deodorant. It double as air freshener and you can share it without feeling disgusting.

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Dear MTA

Dear MTA,

Your assistance is needed to combat the biggest problems in New York City public transportation besides lack of funds, inefficient systems and inadequate employees: tourists.

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Jury Duty Volunteers

Dear CT Jury Administration,

I am writing to suggest you accept volunteers for jury duty.

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Job Appication Follow-Up

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to follow-up on the status of my application. Actually, that’s not true. I know you are not interested in hiring me since you have not gotten back to me in three weeks. This is a letter to complain about your company’s rude behavior.

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Dear Fung Wah

December 13, 2009

Dear Fung Wah,

Although I generally appreciate your affordable bus service that runs constantly between New York and Boston, my recent experience was unacceptable.

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Job Application – Planned Parenthood

To Whom It May Concern:

I found your job posting on your website and am writing to express my very serious interest in your position at the Planned Parenthood headquarters in New York.

I truly believe in Planned Parenthood’s mission to plan parenthood. We need to control birth as much as possible. With all the knowledge we have about the human body and reproductive systems, we should never have to see an unwanted accidental pregnancy again.

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Dear Dress for Success

July 22nd, 2007

Dear Dress for Success,

My grandmother recently passed. For the past month or so, I have been assisting in the distribution of Nana’s stuff. Nana has left this world with boxes upon boxes upon boxes of fake eyelashes.

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Dear Beloved NFL

Dear Beloved NFL:

I am writing to express my interest in working as a Motivational Speaker to Encourage Law Abiding Habits for NFL Players.

This position is not listed on your website as a current opening. However, I truly believe such position would be of great assistance in a league struggling with off-the-field role model behavioral issues which extend from minor offenses to felony charges.

Topics I would like to speak about include, but are not limited to: Legal Gun Ownership, Designated Drivers: All Advantage – No Disadvantage, Where to Take out Anger Mid-week, Putting Drug Debauchery in the Past, You Can Afford  a Bodyguard If You’re Really That Worried, and The Ease of PR When You’re Not in Trouble.

As a bonus, I will also be ready, willing and able to teach both players and coaches the mathematics of percentages. They should be able to understand how much effort is actually possible.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in a timely fashion, due to the urgency of this subject.

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit

Dear PETA

Dear PETA,

I am writing to formally complain about your invention of Swine Flu. Just like the bogus naming of such over-exaggerated diseases as Mad Cow and Chicken Pox, you and your other psycho, can’tivores need to stop trying to scare people away from meat by associating it with inconvenient ailments.

The real illness is how you and all your other vegetarian alliances need to use such intense tactics to build your population of joyless eaters, new-age Hollywood not-quite anorexics, and irrational health-nuts.

Why don’t you try something more fun? Like how gay men get recruited. They have cool slogans, like “Love blow jobs and anal sex? Hate foreplay? You may be fabulous for homosexuality!”

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit

Dear Wachovia

November 23rd, 2009

Dear Wachovia,

I will have no more of this “play of the game” decided with two minutes left when the game is still in the process of being blown. Two minutes in an NFL game is about twenty real-time minutes, which is a long time. Plus, the play of the game was not the Boss touchdown that was played on the jumbotron, it was the coin toss that gave the Giants the ball first in OT.

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