I’m sorry, but I have to report the following story:

At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Rick Perry asked that all of the students in the audience who will be 21-years old by November 12th, support his lazy attempt to represent the Republicans in 2012.

Tastes Better Than Foot in the Mouth!

“I’m just happy he stayed awake for the whole thing,” Perry’s campaign manager told reporters.

At the Institute of Politics at New Hampshire’s Saint Anselm’s College, Rick Perry didn’t have his usual “I forgot the third list of departments I don’t want anymore” blackout, but a double wrong request.

“I think it was a slip because he wants people to be 21 years of age to vote. This way they can go out and get drunk before they do or do not show their support for him.” One analyst explained. “That way if he doesn’t get enough votes, he can blame the public for being too intoxicated to use proper judgement… on November 12th… six days after the actual voting will occur.”

Number of Big Time Blunders for Perry So Far (NOTE: Number is 35 fewer than the number of people who claim to have been sexually harassed by Herman Cain)

Since he was at Saint Anselm’s, Perry turned to God. He asked the Lord to simplify life by making gambling, drinking, smoking and voting all for those of the same age.

“There’s a lot of thinking to be done when you run for President and I don’t know if Perry’s the thinking kind of guy,” a professor at the college explained.

The meeting ended when a student asked Perry how old you have to be to run for President. Perry shrieked, said he needed to use the phone, and ran off stage.

Perry enthusiasts, this won’t bring you down. But it should.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

Chaz Bono, the “transsexual” woman who will appear on the upcoming season of a one of the least important television shows of all time, “Dancing with the Stars,” which has made people like yourself publicly spew hatred.

I advise people to not allow themselves to consider you a doctor  or any other such voice of reason, knowledge or authority.

Here’s why: Many of the people who might be reading your opinion will be subjecting themselves to homophobia, illogical nonsense and general haterade. Some will be girls becoming upset with dramatic close-mindedness in our society. Some will be boys coming to terms with the fact that Fox is Jesus’ networks. Young readers will see that our country is opposing civil rights to the LGBT community.

The last thing people in this country need, as they continue to face economic troubles and wrestle with the fact that we’re still involved in wars we have no business being in, is to be subjected to your fear of those who are different.

It is a toxic and unnecessary byproduct of the tragic publication that dozens of people who read your words will have to ponder this question (that’s not actually a question): Maybe anyone can say they’re a doctor. Maybe my problems really stem from the fact that I believe people’s profession to be as they say it is. Maybe I’m not gullible; I’m just deceived! Maybe I’m being told what to think because I’m foolishly seeking wisdom from the internet/Fox News. Maybe I’m not just uncertain about the voices of authority. Maybe I’m getting brainwashed! Maybe all this angst and suffering I’m being exposed to isn’t just because I’m looking at the wrong articles, but because it’s wrong to remove oneself from the 19th century— when things made sense!

It would be wrong to think that gender dysphoria cannot be kindled by celebrating those who have undergone sexual reassignment surgery. Human beings do model one another—in terms of emotion, thought and behavior. By broadcasting, applauding and mainstreaming the journey of a very disordered person who endured, and likely will continue to endure, real suffering based on extraordinarily deep psychological problems, we suggest that that journey is a smart—even heroic—one to take.

The truth is that you should be pitied and treated like a someone who does not understand basic concepts. Any contribution you make to the world should be disapproved of as it would be for any other person.

But Chaz Bono should not be the poster child of your biased views for asserting she is a man (and goes about behaving like more of one than you) any more than you should think you have the right to tell anyone how they should live their life.

Chaz Bono should not be subjected to prejudice rhetoric any more than someone who, tragically, believes that he’s a doctor, rather than an idiot, and is allowed to keep his certifications. If only the ABPN would acquiesce, all would be well.

There are such people like you, by the way. Do you want them exalted, too, rather than commiserated with? Do you want your children thinking that if they suffer a delusion that they are better off being disgusted, that that means they should voice their bigotry? Or would you prefer that they relate to core values of fairness, respect and tolerance—even if those principles are lost on the Fox News community? Would you not prefer that they try to have regard for others before embracing discrimiation?

It would be wrong to think that gender dysphoria—discomfort with one’s gender—must always end either in misery, sexual reassignment surgery of “Dancing with the Stars”. It can end with coming to terms with deep psychological conflicts that are fueling the gender dysphoria, and releasing those frustrations through an attack on, say, Chaz Bono (or whomever you’re envious of).

“Dancing with the Stars”, featuring Chaz Bono, takes the view that reality television is allowed to feature people. It’s position is that Chaz Bono’s chemically and surgically altered appearance is allowed to be seen by all, a triumph on par with the triumphs achieved by the heroes of the Civil Rights movement.

That’s if you can tell that he isn’t biologically a he. It’s a psychologically destructive myth that the public would be able to tell otherwise if it weren’t so well documented/publicized.

You went on a whole thing about how you’d treat someone who has no interest in being treated by you. Chaz Bono didn’t come to you for help. He didn’t ask for your opinion. But when she decided to promote gender reassignment surgery in the media as a happy triumph, she ended up getting your attention anyhow. Because you’re jealous, too.

So, here it is. One woman’s opinion, sure to have already wasted a lot of my time, but reward me with the certainty that I am stating what’s true: If you care about the public, don’t let them be subjected to your bullshit.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

This just in! Craigslist: It’s Not Just For Rape Anymore!

While Craigslist has been used as a tool for such terrible crimes as murder, rape and rape/murder, some say the website can assist in finding legitimate housing and employment opportunities.

For Some It's Good, For Some It's Bad, But For All - It's Ugly

Although a dozen or so dead people would disagree if they could, the public classified website Craigslist can benefit job and apartment seekers as well as shoppers.

People who aren’t set up to be victims of crime through strategically placed usually fairly perverted advertisements have been able to find real jobs that pay actual money, actual housing that is true to its description and actual items for sale for money. It’s like the website actually does what it’s supposed to do most of the time for most of the people.

Still, many skeptics and skeptical about the .org and many nay-sayers say nay… leaving the good stuff to a smaller pool of searchers who likely resent that this positive publicity may drive more people to the site. Note for the aforementioned loyal group of Craigslist users: Don’t worry, no one reads this site! They’re all looking for crap on Craigslist!!!

Here are some answers to common Craigslist questions:

Q: Who uses Craiglist and why?
A: A lot of people because a lot of people have heard of it.

Q: Do love seekers on real dating websites like eHarmony get sexually assaulted?
A: Any eHarmony sex crime is between the victim and Jesus, but eHarmony users should be happy to know that at least it won’t be gay.

Q: Are there still scams on Craiglist?
A: Of course! Where there are people to take advantage of, there are people taking advantage of them. To find out more, please send me a check made out to cash for your entire life savings!

If you don’t want your mouth to hurt from being a sucker, here are some tips for navigating this network of online communities.

Tips for recognizing the better ads on Craigslist:

• GENERAL: Read the entire ad. If it makes sense and is interesting, consider proceeding. If it doesn’t make sense or seems like it just can’t be, resist the overwhelming urge to e-mail a stranger your credit card information and social security number.
• JOBS: A link to a company’s website gives you more details about the opportunity as well as proving that the business isn’t so sketchy that they won’t reveal their identity.
• HOUSING: If an address if provided but doesn’t exist, the place doesn’t exist either.
• PERSONAL/HOUSING: If there’s lingo or acronyms you’re not familiar with, it’s probably a fetish or hobby you’re not into.
  

  You Either Know What This Is or You Don't... Or You Think You Do, But You Doubt Yourself on Everything

  • GENERAL: Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation are signs that someone somewhat respectable/professional/not that drunk placed the ad.

Warning signs for potentially dangerous ads on Craigslist:

• The words “at your own risk”… this implies there’s a risk that you probably shouldn’t take
• The words “rape fantasy”… this is not a real term, no one actually has a “rape fantasy,” the correct word for such concept is “nightmare”
• The words “realtor fee”… these lazy jerks will politely try to steal a percentage of your annual rent after lying to you about the place in one way or another

This public service announcement-like message has either helped or not helped. Just like Craigslist!

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit

I hope you wrote a nice thank you letter to Jay-Z & Beyonce for using your show as a platform to reveal they’re having a child.

Seriously MTV, I know Chelsea Handler bombed last year, but that doesn’t mean you should go to no host and just let Lady Gaga march around as a character as cheesy as Katy Perry’s wardrobe.

An overwhelmingly annoying issue with your “awards” show is a continuity issue. Giving Video of the Year to a video that doesn’t even win its less substantial video makes no sense. How can Katy Perry’s “Firework” win Video of the Year when it doesn’t even win Best Female Video? That’s as logical as calling yourself a music television channel and not playing any music.

Please reconsider this… and, well… everything.
Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit

P.S. Britney Spears isn’t even 30 and she gets a lifetime achievement type award? Riiiiiiiight…

Please read this:

Rumors and their subsequent denials have been circulating that B-level star Jada Pinkett-Smith had (or is having) an affair with creepy-looking wannabe singer and actor Mark Anthony. While no one attracted to men can possibly understand why someone with access to Will Smith (a small step below Reggie Bush) would hook up with Mark Anthony (a small step above Lyle Lovett), a theory has arised that the story is nothing more than an attempt to draw attention to the accused cheater’s failing TV show, HawthoRNe.

Hot or Not, That's Jada's Choice from Left to Right

TNT’s HawthoRNe (no Caps Lock wasn’t stuck, the RN is cause the main character’s a nurse – clever, right!?) is a crappy show, panned by critics… who are likely the only people that watch it. The show has been on the air for three seasons, with a pitiful 10 episodes per season… making it, essentially, a dragged-out mini-series.

Even though many think that TNT should stick with Law & Order and NBA games, they’ve committed themselves to this series, and, perhaps, have finally generated enough buzz about it to get people watching.

The scandalous story of an affair between HawthoRNe’s star lead actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and co-star fellow actor Mark Anthony, on the heels of his divorce from J.Lo will sell a ton of tabloids… bringing people’s attention to the drama-comedy TV series (that seems to be neither). It’s like how no one wanted to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith until the story broke that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s love affair started on set.

This Embrace May Not Be the Only Thing Will Smith & Mark Anthony Have Shared

That’s right, the entire Jada Pinkett-Smith/Mark Anthony drama could be the work of a creative PR firm. It’s in the tagline: TNT… they know drama.

But there’s another theory…

When news first broke that J. Lo and Mark Anthony were ending their romantic relationship (a story of a ticking biological clock leading J. Lo to procreate with a Latino friend of hers that she rejected years ago when she was hotter and more famous), many assumed that Mark Anthony left J. Lo because she’s probably a huge pain in the ass (it’s always about huge ass with her, too!).

However, J. Lo can win public sympathy (or at least the sympathies of her naive American Idol fans and the divorce court judge) if Mark Anthony cheated on her, which means she could be behind (see, always about ass!) these rumors. Poor girl!

Women everywhere are overwhelmingly open to either conspiracy theory, since it makes absolutely no sense to go for Mark Anthony over Will Smith. At least Puffy vs. Ben Affleck was a tough choice… although, not really a choice for J. Lo who was scared off by one bad night at a club with a gun (so much for being Jenny from the Block), then dumped by the Boston boy (so much for not being a huge pain in the ass).

Meanwhile, men everywhere overwhelmingly don’t give a crap about this.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

Even though Huntsman draws the shortest straw, it’s Pawlenty who pulls out.

The Biggest Thing to Happen in Ames Since the 2007 Straw Poll

At the Iowa straw poll, which sounds like a way for the Amish to pick who’s going to drive the lead buggy, The Minnesotan Mother of Mayhem Michele Bachmann narrowly beat out the Texas Toker Ron Paul.

A man who likes China so much that he took home a child as a souvenir from one of his trips there, Jon Huntsman, was at the bottom of the barrel… drawing the shortest straw of all the candidates that the press is willing to acknowledge. However, it was not he who withdrew from the crowded 2012 Republican Presidential Hopeful So-You-Think-You-Can-Command-n-Chief, but The Minnesotan Menace of Misfortune, Tim Pawlenty.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Michele Bachmann!

Michele Bachmann was the victor. Her successful purchase of support in Iowa is not surprising, as it’s her homeland (and it’s South Minnesota), but is a little interesting since Iowa is one of the few states that allows for gay marriage and Bachmann considers homosexuality an “issue of sexual dysfunction.” In fact, Bachmann is so homophobic that she’s trying to save the whales from themselves… because it’s obviously gay to be a humpback.

Sarah Palin showed up, but she’s not “officially running,” which is like Lindsay Lohan showing up at a liquor store, but “just to do some window shopping.” And, hey, Palin may not actually run… just like Lohan may stick to a cocaine-only diet (which is, actually, the most effective diet*).

The straw vote doesn’t really mean anything, but considering the people who vote in it have decided that deep fried butter on a stick is something that should be offered at their state fair, this should count for nothing.

I went to the Iowa State Fair two years ago, and came back with the following observation: there’s so much deep-fried food on a stick, I almost got second-hand type 2 diabetes! But fried butter… that’s not food… that’s an argument against universal health care.

So let’s ignore this bizarre ritual and stick to debates where these representatives of Real America** argue over who loves Jesus more.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

*According to a recent study of models, sorority girls and residents of Miami.

**A term that’s short for Real American Rich People

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Nation Eliminates Another Stupid Excuse For Accidental Pregnancies by Waiving Birth Control Copay!!!

In a step towards a more responsible excuse-free America, Obama announced that, starting next year if the Republicans don’t cock-block it, nation’s health care insurers will eliminate birth control copay.

Birth Control: Now on Sale for Free!

Religious groups are outraged that separation of church and state should allow them to only have their opinion considered in the privacy of their own homes and churches/synagogues/mosques.

"Wait, s***, we only get a day?" - Women

But with 95-98% of women (depending on what reports you read) stressing birth control as an important part of their personal healthcare, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services move is so good, it’s panty-dropping!

I went to the streets to see what the public has to say:

“So you’re sayin’ bitches can only be bitches now, not dumb bitches?” – LaMarcus, Harlem

“Family planning is pretty much preventative abortion, which means the conservative religious folks can’t get upset, right?” – Bristol, Wassila

“We need to stop treating pregnancy like it’s a disease,” – Mary, standing outside of St. Patrick’s

“If unwanted, I feel that pregnancy is a disease. Just like flirting, if unwanted, is sexual harassment,” – Miriam, standing down the street from St. Patrick’s

“I think it’s unnecessary. With our country’s growing obesity problem, we’ve implemented a natural free birth control already,” – Grace, Sunnyside

“This is a monumental move as poor people need this the most. They’re the ones who go on welfare and s*** which drains other governmental resources when they literally f*** up,” – Hope, SoHo

“Better access to birth control is great… although, if we had universal healthcare like we were promised, then we’d all already have this, right?” – Jade(d), Brooklyn

The people have spoken.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

Twitter is not a news source that you should refer to, just as Wikipedia is not an encyclopedia that you should take as facts.

Social Media, Not News Media

It’s the dumb leading the dumb when supposedly “legitimate” news sources quote what are essentially public bulletin boards.

Please hold yourself to higher standards.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit

I’m sorry I spilled several ounces of beer on you. You will likely never power up again, a truth that saddens me and my wallet.

Sir Lenny Ovo of Technolgia

I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you and if you can find it in your motherboard to turn on again, I will never make you run trivia night again. Acer can do it and you can live home where you’ll be used for the finer computation tasks I require.

Please, by miracle of modern technology, come back to life after I give you the weekend to fully dry off.

I miss you already,
The Bitch That Killed You

Oh Yeah! You’re going through the motions again.

The Stunning, Captivating Pop Princess... Britney Spears!Enrique Inglesias signed on and then almost immediately dropped from the Femme Fatale tour this summer when he decided he's too big a star to be a lowly opening act.

To promote your upcoming tour with maybe Nicki Manaj, but tentatively no one, you worked with MTV (who may or may not own you) for a not-so-special special… an appropriate follow up to some not-so-special Good Morning America performances where viewers could almost see you counting the dance steps.

Looking Hot (note the lack of body in the shot)

Although your body has been better (stupid kids), you look weigh better than Christina Aguilera right now, so at least there’s that.

In an interview with Sway (MTV’s token trendy dredlocked black guy, complete with super cool name), you were asked hard-hitting non-questions like, “Performing on stage has to be different from being in the studio.”

Well, yeah! You actually sing in the studio. On stage is just a lip sync dance recital with a variety fun pack of wardrobe changes provided by Frederick’s of Hollywood’s S&M line.

MTV also takes viewers behind the scenes of the filming of your video for “Til the World Ends”, which is a less sexy version of “I’m a Slave 4 U”. Removed from the situation, you didn’t seem to be the compelling, passionate, interesting pop princess we’ve all seen before.

The song, however, is a solid pop/dance track which on par with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” It’s is a huge improvement from “Hold It Against Me”, a song based on the cheesy pick up line, “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?”

On GMA - An Appropriate Venue For Legs Wide Open "Dance" Moves

When you say things like, “I’m really excited right now” and “I think it gets better as you get older, definitely,” it’s not at all believable. It seems as though you’re simply going through the motions. I’m even willing to go ahead and start a rumor that you’re on a ton of prescription pills that have made you another complacent with whatever robot, like the bored housewife that you’re not that at all.

Sway makes a point to address that you will turn 30 at the end of the year, which is 85 in teen pop years. He asks if you’ll still be doing this when you’re 50, and you’re too exhausted/out of it to come up with the correct answer of “yes” to match the previously pre-programmed statements of “this is what I love to do” and other such lines that would make one think you enjoy your life.

The entire interview is sad, really. When you look into the camera, your facial expression reads as a plea for help to escape a life you’re no longer interested in. It’s similar to how Katie Holmes looks.

It appears as if you’re not lucky that you’re a star, but are addicted to it (under contract) despite knowing it’s toxic.

You have the money and are already a legacy, so just cancel the tour and hang out, if you want. It seems like you could use chill time.

Sincerely,

Rachel L. Arbeit