Job Application – Planned Parenthood

To Whom It May Concern:

I found your job posting on your website and am writing to express my very serious interest in your position at the Planned Parenthood headquarters in New York.

I truly believe in Planned Parenthood’s mission to plan parenthood. We need to control birth as much as possible. With all the knowledge we have about the human body and reproductive systems, we should never have to see an unwanted accidental pregnancy again.

Plus, Planned Parenthood is great for teenagers who don’t want to talk to their parents in general, let alone to discuss southern hemisphere concerns and issues.

Allow me to further explain how passionate I am about safe sex.

We need to keep people away from Pull-Out-and-Pray! When the name of your birth control is also the explicit instructions, it’s not proven by science. It’s too simple to be safe, more cute than capable. Don’t want it to be like shake and bake, or thrust and bust. You see, names have meanings. Would you trust a car called “Turn-On-and-Drive”, constipation medicine called “Drink for Doodie” or cocaine referred to as “Scratch & Sniff”? No, you wouldn’t, because as I mentioned before, names matter. That’s why condoms aren’t called Sex Socks, Cream Containers or Sperm Stoppers. Some people don’t even know what the most important part of Pull-Out-and-Pray is… which is pull out, just in case you’re from the south or have a head injury.

Please know that this rant also applies to Natural Family Planning aka The New Conservative Christian Method (a relative of the Rhythm Nation), which are simply more sophisticated versions of guess and check.

Those who can’t understand and/or afford birth control are more likely to resort to methods from before the advances of science and medicine. Although some who have no cash for condoms end up switching to anal sex, not all of them do and we need to cover those who don’t. Cover their dicks, that is.

I hope that my outburst of enthusiastic rage will work on you the way it worked on every guy who has been lucky enough to date me at one point or another.

If this didn’t make any decisions for you, perhaps my second impression will.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Rachel L. Arbeit